Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Desire to Bolt

I'm a few chapters into Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth and already have  been faced with some revelations.  Although, I have a clear definition of who God is and how to know God personally and don't agree whole-heartedly with her expansive definition (after all, Jesus did say that no one comes to God except through Jesus, himself: John 14:6), she has made some good points about relationships.  I know some of you may not agree with that, but I stand by it. So, I guess we can agree to disagree, but I do hope and pray that one day you will embrace this.  Because of my life experiences, I know this to be true, but now I'm getting off topic.
Many of you know that I have had a particularly strained relationship with my mom, who at one time was my best friend.  We stopped communicating around December due to a very heated argument, which had been building up  for a long time.  My mom and I don't see eye to eye on many things anymore; the hard part about children becoming adults is that the parents have to let go.  But I guess I expected my mom to always support and be proud of me, no matter what.  In fact, I expected her, more than anyone else, to go above and beyond for me when I needed her, especially now as grandmother, but that has not happened, and I've been hurt by her lack of involvement among other things.  There are two sides to every story, and I know my mom has her side, so don't be quick to judge anyone.  But all in all, I imagined that when I grew up, my mom would always want to be there, and the fact is that she simply doesn't, and she has her reasons, which I know are valid in some cases.
Here's the deal, I have a habit of bolting from relationships that are too tough.  I have done it to many people, friends and family.  In my mind, I have never wanted my presence in someone's life to be a burden and a source of pain, so I figured that if I removed myself then I would be removing their pain and frustration.  I'm starting to rethink this.
As a teenager, I experienced the pain of an eating disorder.  It was retched, and I would never wish it upon anyone in my life.  Some people drink and do drugs, and some people obsess over food or a lack of it.  All in all, it's a symptom of something beyond the food and drugs, some pain that I didn't or couldn't deal with at the time; something that I was trying to bolt from.  I must say that to this day, I hate being weighed.  It brings back bad memories as a dancer, especially.  In a turn of events, I had to go to the doctor for the plantar fasciitis that I've been experiencing, and lo and behold, I had to get on the scale.  I weighed much more than I expected, and considering that I've been working out everyday for the past month, truly got to me.  Fortunately, I'm wise enough to not go back to those external behaviors of my old eating disorder, but in my mind, I was sad and frustrated.
I decided to pick this book up because I heard about it on Oprah, and it related to things I've experienced.  I don't agree with her spirituality, but I thought it would be worth a shot.  I thought I would pick up some quick tips about accepting my 35 year old body as it is, but I'm discovering much more.
Perhaps my pain over the freaking scale is due to my desire to bolt from my relationship with my mom.  Obsessing over my body when seeing that number could be a way to avoid the huge rift in my life, in which I participated in.
So, now I'm up to the part where I need to face these feelings and as Geneen Roth says, to give myself a chance to discover and become the person that I can be by dealing with the root of the matter rather than bolting from it and not trusting that I can do this (paraphrased, of course).
Good Lord, that's a lot to wrestle with, but she has a point.  I have not given myself a chance to be the person that I could become by seeing this relationship through.  To get right down to it, that's what Christ did for us.  He accepts us as we are and sees us through it all in order for us to transform into the people we can be, so He can use us to do His holy work.  And now, here it is being applied to my own life, and I missed the boat.  Maybe I can swim and catch up to it.

Well, I guess I have some work to do and a scary road to face with my mom.  I'm scared, I'm not gonna lie.  I'm scared that I could be hurt again, scared that I'm not gonna know what to do when I'm disappointed, etc...  The reality is that I have to face the situation rather than bolt from it.  It sucks, but I'm gonna do it.  I'm grateful for that stupid scale moment because I do think that it forced me to look in another direction: to God, to truth.  

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