Fear at its Worst and its Best

Many of us are afraid, afraid to the core of our bones of something. For me, it's not something that has the suffix -phobia attached to it, but it's just as real and as scary to reveal, and not even something I would mention today. For those of you who have a fear like that, I hope you know there are others out there who feel that, who understand that.
Yesterday, at church, our pastor discussed the difference between forgiveness vs. reconciliation. He explained it like this: forgiveness is one sided; it's something that one does for one's self and to move on from the pain of that situation. On the other hand, reconciliation is quite different because it involves two people, especially the one who did the wrong earning trust back by showing through their actions that they have changed their behavior. Many people say they're sorry, but words can be cheap. We've all been there. The difficult part is when someone wrongs someone and doesn't recognize their wrong-doing. I've learned that setting up boundaries then becomes necessary, because obviously there's no reconciliation; there is no chance for repairing that relationship or even making it anew without recognition AND the changing of one's behavior. Ok, I know, I sound like a wanna be therapist; this is what years in therapy will do to you!
Getting back to fear, recently I discussed one of my biggest fears with someone close to me, and they did not accept any responsibility for their part in the wrong doing. What to do then? Honestly, the pain I felt multiplied exponentially because of this response. The person said I obviously hadn't forgiven and maybe needed to go back to therapy. Wow.
In return, I stated that reconciliation does not involve going back to business as usual and sweeping things under the rug. And in return, they said they didn't want to do any more than that.
So, what is one to do? I am here to say that I am living fear at its worst: I've forgiven, approached another party to seek reconciliation, and was shot down and shot down by someone I love. That sucks, there's really no other words for it. But, I will survive. I mean, that is what I was raised to do, to survive, and simply, that's what the person wants me to do: simply survive.
Unfortunately, I think life is more than that. I'm sad for those who feel that surviving is the best way to spend their days on this earth, especially when they have choices to breathe each day with color, layers, and depth. I will do differently, because after all, I am making different choices. And again, I will choose to forgive, but it seems reconciliation may be another step further away.
I am encouraged by the fact that every time I mess up, Jesus is there waiting for me to ask forgiveness and always forgives. And when I take steps to change my behavior and ultimately reconcile, again He's there. Finally, and most beautifully, when I reconcile with Him, I am changed. I am closer to Him, perhaps more like Him and able to be there for someone else in a way that I wasn't able to be before.
I recognize it's hard to admit that you're wrong; that's painful, especially when you have good intentions. But sometimes the most tragic things happen in the name of good intentions. I am guilty as charged. When it comes down to it, I don't want to solely be the product of my environment. I want to be more than that, and I can't do that on my own. I need the grace and support of my faith in order to have the hope and tools to do that. I guess when others don't believe along with you, it's hard to make that happen on a personal level. All I can do is pray for God to do something that I can't. Right now my reliance on Him is stronger than ever because of this.
The "whos" and "whats" of the situation is irrelevant; it's the fact that I'm here in it and perhaps some of you are in similar conundrums. An old friend once said, "it is what it is," but I hope for what could be.
The fear will always be there. Fortunately, I see that fear as motivating, inspirational maybe because it's all I can do. I cannot live knowing that I will merely be a survivor of it, but that I must turn it into something more. I know this point of view is only there because of the Holy Spirit in my heart. Surviving is human, transformation is sacred. That's what I know about this fear, and it's my prayer for you.

Why I Love Being an English Teacher

What an amazing first day back from spring break; I'll take this kind of a day any time!
My day began with book talks which was my privilege to listen to. Eric discussed his experience with City of Thieves, and shared a laugh over how the main character seemed to unrealistically live through situations like a cat with nine lives. Umaymah discussed The Kite Runner, and I was so impressed with her choice of passage to read aloud; it was the part about the kite flying day and connected the passage to how the main character did not have the courage to use his voice to help Hassan, his best friend and brother.
We continued with a discussion of identity and what makes up an identity. It was so powerful to hear my thirteen year old grasshoppers say that they felt their identity but was afraid to step forward sometimes because they weren't able to control other's reactions.
It's days like this that I feel the rays of blessing shine on my heart. This is what it's about. This is teaching on a fantastic, unexpected day. You gotta soak these moments in.

Easter: He is risen indeed!

Alex's Sermon Notes on Easter Sunday; priceless.
Easter service this morning had me weeping. I didn't expect it at all. I'm not much of a "cryer," especially in church. The message was about grief turning into hope; today is a day to celebrate, to turn the page to see the happy endings of our hard times. This week I would like to dedicate the blog to how different people are celebrating Jesus through the power of His happy ending for all of us. It's there for any of us to choose. Choose Him, choose His redemption because God knows that we all need it, especially me. Enjoy!

Socks

In a conversation with a colleague this morning, we brought up the topic of socks. Here's the deal: your socks say a lot about you. If you are like me, you wear crazy striped socks, Halloween socks at Easter time, or at times, mismatched socks. I'm blessed; as a teacher, people can expect a bit of eccentricity from me, especially because I'm an English Teacher AND I teach 8th grade (many think this is cause of insanity in and of itself). Those who know me wouldn't expect anything different from me.
Some of you don't wear socks. Well, that speaks for itself.
Others must wear the uniform black socks; again, says miles.
So, my question to you is, what kind of socks do you wear? I'm sure you'll find some crazy correlation. Enjoy!

Have you Found your "Muchness"?

At first glance, the word, "muchness" looks much like munchiness (if that's even a word), but they are quite different for obvious reasons. A great friend and I went to see the new Alice in Wonderland movie. Amidst its dark and quirky tones, as only Tim Burton can create, was a message that our 21st Century women and girls need to hear: Have you found your "muchness"?
I am not what some would call an ultra feminist, but I am all for empowering people, gender not being a qualifier, to be bold and use your gifts.
What one needs to understand is that this looks different for different people. Unfortunately, I myself have been judged by those even in my own family that I have not embraced my own "muchness" because I am married with a child (and one on the way), and live in the suburbs; this is too conventional for their taste. My rebuttal lies here: if you knew me intimately, you would know that I live my "muchness" every single day. Those who know me professionally know that I do not settle for mediocrity in my career, in my students, and attempt to be a source of motivation and huge, obnoxious laughter among my colleagues. Those who know me personally know that my choice to marry and have a family is by all means the biggest risk I could take as an individual; I do not come from a stable family. The "muchness" for me came in the form of faith in my God and faith in me to be able to be a stable life partner and mommy. Those who know me as a friend, know that I am honest and to not ask a question that you're not prepared to hear a straight forward answer to; you may not always like me as your friend, but hopefully you know that there is always love there.
I have many friends and family living out their "muchness," slaying jabberwockies everyday, stepping out on their own volition to be the champion (the life long friend whom I saw this movie with was a wonderful example!). In some contexts, these champions can make you feel a bit awkward, scared, and insecure. But I must say this: do not be afraid of them; allow their "muchness" to be contagious and inspiring, and I promise that it will be the greatest risk you will ever take.
This world could use more "muchness." So, my charge to you today is to embrace it or take the journey to find it. You won't regret it.

Retirement

I received the most interesting article from a kindred spirit at school the other day. It was amazing food for fodder. The topic of the article was how the concept of retirement has only existed for about the last 100 years. It continued to mention that our society feels entitled to a retirement, and in the context of our entire history, that's not realistic. The conclusion discussed how we should do what we love and then it wouldn't feel like work...interesting.
So, I thought about it, and here's where I lie with this article: I totally agree with it. I know many who work for their retirement, but I'm not built that way. I could not go to work with that being my motivation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy; Steve and I do invest in our retirement, but it's not that big of a deal to me. I'm one of those crazy people who loves their job, and I could see myself doing it for as long as humanly possible. Teaching is what I do, how I feel God is using me. I don't want to put a time limit on how long I can or should do that because society has an expectation. My career/contribution may change as time goes on, but essentially, I think I'll be doing what I do for a long time to come, and I'm very thankful for it!

Couldn't Tell You...

I find it so interesting that my students have such a strong opinion on political matters, especially since I doubt they watch the news extensively or read the newspaper of their own volition. The controversial health care has ensued odd, off hand remarks from my sage 8th graders. In return, I often ask where they have heard their research to oppose or support such strong opinions, and they honestly couldn't tell me a darned thing. Bless their hearts.
Like Sherlock Holmes, my investigation leads me to the root of their opinions, and it's almost always their parents. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad there is talk about it over the dinner table. I can truly appreciate the discourse, but I wonder if there's any room for an opposite point of view. I wish I had the youtube video of a kid dishing back research and evidence to their shocked mom and dad, and asking them to ponder that.
When my students ask me how I stand on a particular issue, especially one like the health care controversy, my standard reply is:
I don't belong to a political party, and honestly, I don't know enough to share a strong point of view about it; I haven't done enough research yet.
My kids either make an inference where my opinion truly lies or stares at me in silence. I then offer names of journalists whom I respect or places to gather research. I wonder if one of them will take me up on it. I think that would be awesome. For now, I couldn't tell you where I stand with health care; sorry.