Each Day

Steve and I are one of those "crazy" couples who will go to counseling to process through anything significant in our lives.  Naturally, we scheduled a counseling appointment this week to talk about TJ and to see if there's anything we should/could be doing to help Alex through it all.  I learned some things, like I usually do when I go to counseling.  So, I thought I would share...
My counselor described grief like jumping on different Lily pads of different emotions.  I explained that although Thanksgiving weekend was incredible difficult, we were doing much better since then and that I didn't know if that was ok or what.  I don't want people to think I'm an unemotional robot, but by Monday, I didn't have any more tears to shed at that point.  I just wanted to focus on getting back to work and doing, doing whatever I needed to do.  Also, we have been surrounded and lifted by so much love and support that I truly feel God's great strength behind me.  Our counselor said that grief isn't a one way tunnel, but it will be ok when I jump to another Lily pad of emotions.  I felt comforted by that.
I also explained that I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of moving on too soon to the next referral without properly honoring TJ's life.  I'm afraid that I'm going to fear when we accept the new referral when we're ready.  I'm afraid of not giving the same abandoned joy to the preparation of our next baby that we had with TJ.  Again, my counselor told me that it would be unnatural if I didn't feel fear, and that is ok to feel all those things.  This next process will be a different process for us.  I don't want to be gripped by fear, but I don't to be afraid of being afraid if you know what I mean.  This helped me know that it's ok to feel this.
I think the gravity of bringing children into our lives really touched us significantly when we received the news about TJ.  We never even held him, and we felt/feel so much love for him.  I think about how much God loves us, and I still don't think I can wrap my mind around how much and how deep that is.  I can't imagine how much love TJ feels in heaven right now.  I sincerely can't imagine it!