We still have TJ's picture around the house and by my desk at school, and I can't imagine taking them down right now. With Steve's permission, I have posted our referral pictures of our little boy. I know most of you have seen these, but I sometimes can't help just looking at that face, those hands, those eyes. I wanted so much to be his mom, and I have to tell you that the realization that he's not here on this earth leaves a heavy pain on my heart. I literally feel this weight on my chest and in my stomach. This is where I am emotionally right now.
I told Steve last night that I feel like David in the Bible, crying out, lamenting. I don't want to be over dramatic, but I think this is the reality of grief and being human on this earth. It won't be until we're with our heavenly father that we will feel the full peace of his love and understanding. Before I woke up this morning, I was dreaming of being in Jesus' arms and experiencing the healing that can only come from Him. I woke up and didn't feel that healing, the pain was back in my chest, but I know that's where He will bring me eventually.
In the meantime, I wanted to show you how beautiful our little boy was. Sometimes I try to imagine how much more beautiful he is in heaven. I know that, "What you talkin' about, Willis?" expression is a joy for all up there; it especially brought joy to our family seeing his little personality in those pictures. We felt connected to him immediately. So, I love him. I wish he were here. I wish all of our plans were in action to bring him home. I wish I had held him, but I didn't. But I do feel like the pain in my chest is his soul finding that special place in my heart, so that when I go to heaven one day, I will know him without even opening my eyes.
In the meantime, I find distractions to get me through. I'm fine at school because I'm busy. But I've found being home is especially when I feel all these things. During those times I pray and look at scripture, but there are moments when I need to flipping escape. I finished reading Jonathon Franzen's new, massive novel Freedom on Tuesday, which was an effective distraction for a good 10 days. Yesterday, I was thankful to have to go to Target to get some Christmas gifts before the vacation. As usual, I wandered down the book aisle and ended up picking up Amy Sedaris' new coffee table book Crafts for Poor People. I found myself literally crying with laughter in the middle of Target. Needless to say, I'm finding every excuse to buy multiple copies, so don't be surprised if I show up at your house with a gift wrapped rectangle; just humor me. On the way home, I cozied up with some wonderful gangster rap in my Honda minivan. Obviously I'll take any distraction I can get right now...
The juxtapositions of my life are certainly apparent. I'm doing all that I can in the moment to process through this holiday season.
So amidst all this craziness, I want to reiterate that God is sovereign. Although the lily pads of this particular journey may look a little insane, God will win because love always conquers. I am thankful for the scattered distractions, but really that's all they are; I think it's ok to entertain them and see life's madness, but for me, it's not really the guiding truth in my life. Reverend Run from Run DMC always closes on his show saying, "God is love," and that is indeed true. Yes, I can find God in a lot of different stuff, even in the Jay Z song blasting from my Odyssey's speakers last night. The truth is that God was with my little boy while he was here on earth, and God is with him now in such a more apparent way.
We love you, TJ.