The Juxtaposition of a Wednesday

"...if you have the capacity to experience huge, engulfing joy, then you can also feel its equal and opposite level of pain."

-Big Girl Small by Rachel DeWoskin

Opposites butting against one another.  That's all I can say to describe this week.  Opposites of my emotions, feelings, etc..

Wednesday: 

 The one hour late start for Hamilton Southeastern Schools.  Should be good, right?  We should be hopefully working on professional development and planning exciting lessons to teach our kids and engage them in learning.  Well, no.  We don't do that.  Our staff spent the hour ticked off in front of computers attempting to navigate the new teacher evaluation system given by the state, which will determine if we are worthy of our salary and a raise next year.  Ok.  So we spent an hour realizing that the hours that we have to put into this is really just collecting data (that can be totally fudged, by the way) and pretty much turn our assistant principal into just a data collecting machine who will in turn just spew data back at the state; not spending time with kids, not helping kids, not helping teachers.  My blood began to boil.  My "extra degree" was about to steam me right through the roof.  I know I am being risky stating this publicly, but it needs to be said, and we need to not be afraid to say how ridiculous this is.  The tax payers need to know what their money is going towards, not helping teachers be better teachers or kids be engaged to love learning, but to go through mindless data collection and fill out stupid forms.  Done.  You've been given the information, do with it what you will.  (By the way, the state will totally say it helps us track higher level learning, etc..  They're wrong, and if they were educators and actually thought out how this would play out, they would know that; but educators do not run our educational system...just sayin'.  When the rubber meets the road, we're being asked to give out more tests in order to track data and then spend all of our time collecting the data rather than spending our time researching, planning, and executing phenomenal lessons.  Don't let anyone blow smoke up your butt.)

This literally made me want to vomit.  I took a half day to do one thing:  go home and cry my eyes out. The mourning of a 16 year teaching career that leads to this.  The trends are not good, folks.  I don't care what school district you're in.  Every public school educator has to do this.

Steve comes home a bit early.  He holds me and lets me cry, cuss, be utterly sad that I spend time away from my sweet children to play this game.  Beautiful.  And here's the other end of my juxtaposition:  as I lay there crying, I'm surrounded my his sweet arms, telling me that it's going to be ok, we'll figure this out together.  That was Jesus with me there.  That was my husband.  I love him so very much.

We decide together that this could very well be a God thing.  We confirm it, we pray about it, we discuss it more, and ask God to use this for His will.  Joy, excitement, anticipation.  

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday:

Recovery.  The realization that there is a lot on my plate, but there are a few things that mean so very much to me, the rest can go on the back burner.  Things that are priority:

Jesus:  How can I glorify Him without burning out?  How does he want to use me in this season of my life?  Listening, obeying, trusting.

Family :  Being a wife and mom who isn't always stressed out over the next item on my to do list. Being present with my family.  Enjoying the funny moments, being patient through the tough moments.  Making pancakes :), going on Alex's field trips, jumping on the couch with Jesse, dreaming with my husband (we're good at this).

Friends:  Saying thank you!  Sometimes saying no, so I don't stretch myself too thin.  Being someone who actually is hearing and taking in what they have to say rather than being stressed in that moment about twenty million other things (maybe you can relate). 

Young Life, Ethiopia/Africa, Ministry:  What makes me tick as the woman I am.  Spending time and being with crazy teenagers, planning another trip back to Ethiopia (hopefully one to find Jesse's birth mom, our sweet Mama Alemetu) to serve, give, love.  To stay connected with the place that made me feel what life is really about.  Write, write about what's going on, how God is moving and changing the culture of my life.  Yes!

One more quote:

"The stars don't look as good when it's not cold.  And places that have to transitions make you feel like change isn't possible.  I believe in change, even now, even after everything that's happened.  Maybe because I grew up in a place that can be scalding and freezing both."

-Big Girl Small by Rachel DeWoskin

With God, there's nothing to be afraid of.  He's got this.

PS.  If you haven't seen this video, you much watch it.  I want to live my life like this drummer:
http://sundayblog.tv/worship-drummer-please/

I bet he's experienced great loss along with his great joy, but who can resist living like this, even amidst the madness?

Multiple Personalities

I feel absolutely blessed to be an educator.  Every day is a gift, but there are times as a teacher that you feel a multitude of feelings.  The main season is the "heading back to school" season.  My husband literally gears up for it, knowing that he may find me giddy one moment and crying the next.  The range of emotions teeter from elation to utter despair.  Let me explain...
Going back to school means another year of funny kids, making a difference, a neat (although quite demanding) package of complete structure, seeing teacher friends, getting your hands dirty with great and worthy work.
On the other hand, going back to school means not hanging out with your kids, making a meal while trying to beat the clock, the end to the freedom of the summer schedule, goodbyes to vacations and camps, and not having a somewhat clean house on a daily basis.  This year hit me especially hard having Jesse home.  He's not in school, and although he is in the most loving and wonderful day care situation a woman could ask for, I don't get to see him as much.
Going back to school is refreshing for me, but it also makes me nervous...can I do it all?  I still don't have an answer to that.  Thankfully, God has provided a wonderful job for me to help our family financially, and I'm grateful for it.  The hard part is not waking up at 5 am for me; the hard part hits at 3:15 pm, when I'm butt tired from teaching, and my sweet children are waiting for their mama to care for them, help her with homework, play trains, cook dinner while holding him on my hip, solve dilemmas, discipline with love, bathe them, and put them to bed with stories and kisses...and then there's laundry to do.
I know so many of you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Bear with us teachers who are mamas and wives.  August is tough.  August is not only saying hello, but it's also saying goodbye.  We have the best jobs in the world, but it's a conundrum of emotions sometimes.  It's building up the stamina to do our busy days; it's building up new muscles.  It's praying that your kids and you don't actually get sick while you get back on your feet again because it would really be tough to schedule a doctor's appointment while you're trying to get your students back in the swing again too.  It's a lot of pressure, for sure.
I always say that I have multiple personalities every August.  I'm thankful for an understanding husband who hangs in there so sweetly through it all.  He knows what's coming every year, and although I try not to go there with my wisdom; it's still an emotional feat I haven't conquered yet, especially now, experiencing being a mama to a young one once again.
I pray for our kiddos who are not only our babies but also our students.  We want to do right by them.  We love them, and that's what it all comes down to.

Our tears may invade the spaghetti sauce a few times this month, but there's joy in the morning.  This I know.  This I know for sure.

Home from YL Camp...Two weeks later

I have to tell you that I couldn't write about camp as soon as I got home a week and a half ago.  I was on an utter camper's high.  Cheezy, I know, but true.  I absolutely needed some space to process this crazy thing that I did and am involved in now.
For one thing, I was by far the oldest person in our group.  The night before we left we got together for dinner to pray and talk about the week ahead w/ the kids.  I sat at a table with well spoken college kids (who prayed like a wise Billy Graham; totally intimidating, btw!), two recent high school graduates with amazing enthusiasm, an experienced Young Life couple, my sweet colleague (Sarah Wright) who breathes this ministry and then there was me.
I think most of us can say that we are our own worst enemy, and as I've been surrounded by such encouraging people, I stepped into this w/ fears and trepidations... such as:

• I'm old(er).  Late 30's, not crazy old (I mean that w/ love w/in the context in which I'm speaking!)
• I have two kids.
• I have a career.
• Um, this list could go on...

But here's the deal, we all get into things because we are attracted to it.  Often there's something we can't quite name straight out, but we feel a pull to it.  When Sarah Wright mentioned that Young Life was getting started at HSE, I didn't quite know why I wanted to do it, I just did.  The reasons came later.  And here's what I figured out:

• I want to do this because I love kids.  I love these crazy teenagers whom I'm blessed to work with every day.
• I've been feeling the need to let down my walls a bit.  In the classroom, there's definitely a wall (which I respect) of how much a teacher shares (religion, etc...).  School is vital, without a doubt, but there's some things that matter more.  Kids go through stuff, kids question stuff, kids push the boundaries.  Within the boundaries of being a public school teacher, there's only so much you can do.  That's ok, I get that.  I know there's a huge piece of me that has the energy and desire to poor into kids that I'm not totally able to do at school.  
• After talking with Jon Houghton, who is in charge of YL here in Indy, YL stood for everything I believe in.  It's not about just ministering to kids who already have a relationship with Christ, it's for everybody.  It's about getting to know kids and meeting them where they are, however that looks.
• I love Jesus and how he leads me through this crazy life.  I want to be used by Him.  I want to do anything He calls me to do, despite my fears.  

At camp, we went nuts.  I did things that the average mom doesn't do.  I did camp... I ran in the rain multiple times, I sang at the top of my lungs until I was horse, I wore blue eyeshadow with an awkward 80's ponytail, I stayed up until 2 am laughing at girls while they fake farted (which was freaking hilarious), I wore hill billy teeth while someone gave me a piggy back in wet grass, I did an obstacle course in the pitch black, I laughed my butt off while the girls showed me the latest dance moves as seen at your average junior high party, I cheered kids on to stuff their faces with plate sized sundaes, I had deep conversations amidst laughter and tears about what's going on in life & what Jesus means in the middle of that, just to name a few...

And it was so meaningful.  I was inspired and energized by all this.  And you know all those people that I met for dinner before we left, we became friends.  Oh my gosh, I love these guys.  These sweet college kids made me laugh so hard and just shared their crazy experiences, dreams, and questions about adulthood. Yes, there were a few old jokes, but I loved it.  I really did;)

I just can't help but think that that's how Jesus works.  He shows you a door, you hesitantly walk through it, and He showers you with blessings.  He'll take that mustard seed of faith and make it grow into something beautiful.  

So, I have these four eighth grade girls whom I adore.  I'm so excited to take this journey with them.  They make me laugh, but more than that, they opened their hearts to me, and I'm so humbled by that.  

Jesus has really shown me in the past few years that some of the coolest things He wants to bring into my life starts with feeling awkward and unsure of myself.  

This past Saturday, I had a great conversation with an old, dear friend about how we often (especially as moms) define ourselves so strictly and don't open ourselves to all the crazy possibilities that could make our lives so multi dimensional.  

On another note, when I came back from Ethiopia last summer with our sweet boy, I had a difficult time looking around me and finding this American lifestyle acceptable.  I still hurt over the excess in which I and the average American feel that we need (I absolutely take responsibility too!).  But I now feel energized that God is using me for these kids, although I often just want to sell everything and move the family to Ethiopia, I'm here, and I feel like I have a purpose.  I'm grateful.  

God is so good in this messy life.  I'm so appreciative of the people He's put in my life, the craziness of this journey, and the courage He gives us to do coo coo things.

Darned if you do and darned if you don't...Jesus Style

I've been reading through the New Testament in The Message Bible.  I just want to reconnect with who  Jesus is.  Now, I haven't gotten very far; to be real, I'm in Matthew; yes, the first book of the New Testament.  But, have you ever had this moment where you feel like you need to get to know someone again?  Maybe because I've changed a lot over the journey since giving my life to Christ (and have tons more room to grow...), I feel this sense of needing to read through what Jesus said, did, thought, revealed about who God is, and ultimately saved.
So, I come to the beatitudes.  The first one says, "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.  With less of you there is more of God and his rule" (The Message).  I'm thinking to myself, "How many times a week do I feel at the end of my rope?"  Answer:  many.  Consequently, I come to this passage later on in Matthew:

They landed in the country of the Gadarenes and were met by two madmen, victims of demons, coming out of the cemetery.  The mend had terrorized the region for so long that no one considered it safe to walk down that stretch of road anymore.  Seeing Jesus, the madmen screamed out, "What business do you have giving us a hard time?  You're the son of God!  You weren't supposed to show up here yet!"  Off in the distance a herd of pigs was browsing and rooting.  The evil spirits begged Jesus, "If you kick us out of these men, let us live in the pigs."

Jesus said, "Go ahead, but get out of here!"  Crazed, the pigs stampeded over a cliff into the sea and drowned.  Scared to death, the swineherds bolted.  They told everyone back in town what had happened to the madmen and the pigs.  Those who heard about it were angry about the drowned pigs.  A mob formed and demanded that Jesus get out and not come back.

What the heck??  This town has been living in fear for what I'm assuming had been a very long time, Jesus comes and saves these mens' lives and gets rid of the danger, and everyone is more concerned about the pigs.  Now I'm sure I'm missing some historical importance here, but there's something about this story that seems timeless and so personal.
How many times are we so used to a problem and complaining about it, that it almost becomes "comfortable" to us.  This sort of thing absolutely puts me at the "end of my rope" as stated in the first beatitude.  I find this often in my life as a parent and in education.  It's scary because these are two areas that are so important to children's lives.
In education, we see problems and often the answers are there, but they aren't easy to implement.  It's something that will take time and resources, but more often than not, we go with the "answer" that is easier to do, it's more comfortable, it doesn't require as much as a sacrifice, but in doing so, you end up creating a problem for the problem you just tried to solve.  It's a train wreck.  What if we just went with the true solution?  What if we just tried that and created real change?  Just a thought.  Jesus took (and takes) care of problems if we're willing to let go of some things.  The town was ticked about their loss of the pigs without truly recognizing what just happened:  the demons were gone, people were safe, and the mens' lives were saved.
Parenting is a bit of conundrum too, especially with a tween daughter (LOL).  My sweet daughter has a multitude of tough spots to get through each day, as do most 9 year olds.  Unfortunately, she doesn't always like my answer or solution.  Instead, she would rather sulk with the problem that actually solve it.  UGHHH.  My problem is that I don't have much patience with this sort of thing.  Obviously, God is working on my here.
Ultimately, this sort of thing happens everywhere, and it makes me really excited for the rapture.  Rapture me, Oh God!  It also brings me back to the reminder that this is not our home.  Our home is in heaven with our Father and His Son.  This world is not getting any better although I'm convinced we can change lives while we're here.  Honestly, our lives are changing while we're here, if we are honest with ourselves.
In moments like these, I just want more of Him.  I hunger for His wisdom and clarity.  I feel extremely blessed and these end of the rope moments are a part of daily living...AND this is why we are blessed when we feel this way because we look to Him, rely on Him, want Him because we've got nothin'.
People on this earth are going to be complaining about their pigs.  I pray that through God's power that you and I are doing and can do something to change those hearts.  Sometimes you never know.
Thanks for Your Word, God.  Thanks for Jesus and all that He reveals about Your love, Your glory, and the truth.  We were made for You, not for this world.  Thank You for reminding me of this every day and not letting me be comfortable among this mess.
Amen.

Jesse's Gotcha Day: Hooray!!!!

As I was getting ready to write this post to celebrate Jesse's Gotcha Day, I was thinking of potential titles.  Here's what I came up with as runner ups:

• Blurry Pictures
• Party in the ET
• One of the Best Days of My Life

The list could go on...
As cliche as it sounds, I honestly can't believe it's been one year since Steve and I were reunited with our little man, strapped him to me in Baby Ergo, and walked out of the gates of the amazing Hannah's Hope.  It was out of this world.
After a 24 hour flight with some of the most awesome people I've had the pleasure of knowing (our gaggle of other adoptive families whom we quickly loved and adored!), we arrived at our "home away from home" in Addis Ababa:  The Riviera, where we were warmly re-greeted by the familiar faces that made us feel so comfortable a few weeks earlier.  I was so happy.
There was time to shower and possibly close our eyes for an hour before Wass picked us up, giddy and exhausted to bring our babies home.
I remember singing Whitney Houston's "One Moment in Time" in the van as we approached the gates; I was out of my mind!  I didn't care about cameras, videos, nothing...I just wanted my Jesse Getiso.  I just wanted him in my arms.  So, as soon as the gate opened, I just went in with an utter abandonment that this would be a moment I would want to record.  I have a blurry picture of Steve holding Jesse.  It's hysterical.  That's how I remember this day:  blurry, giddy, running on absolute adrenaline.  My boy was coming home.
With all of the joy, came the sadness too.  When we arrived at the hotel, we brought Jesse up to our room to just have time to bond.  He began to cry that could only be described as utter loss.  Jesse was unmistakably grieving.  He was just torn from all that he knew.  But he held me, wailed, allowed me to love him, and I was not letting go.  After about two hours, he was exhausted and fell asleep in my arms.  The mama in me just knew he needed us more than anything. Steve and I took turns holding this emotionally exhausted boy as he slept.
When he woke up, he was happy again.  Amazing.  That week in ET was sleep deprived, joyous, full of laughter, and tons of community as we hung close with the other adoptive families.  I'm so grateful to have shared this journey with them.  My fondest memory was how Jesse would literally take my face while he was in the Baby Ergo and hold it right in front of his to peer into my eyes over and over and over with the biggest smile on his face.  He was memorizing me, taking me in, holding me tight.  Since then, we have always been close like peas and carrots.  He's a mama's boy, and I don't have one apology for it!
We love our boy, we love his big smiles and laughter.  We love the ups and downs that we have had as a family.  We are in awe of his heritage.  We think of his birth mama every day.  We are humbled to be on this journey.  
Happy Gotcha Day, Jesse.  We love you more than you can imagine.  We dream big for you:  to grow more dependent on God, to love with all of your heart, take risks, and know all along how much you are loved.
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy

Holy Cannoli...I'm going to camp!

 My friend and colleague, Sarah Wright, is infectious.  Anyone who knows her, wants to do whatever she's doing.  It's that simple.  She's made friendship bracelet club the hottest thing to do at our school.  Who knew friendship bracelets could be hot?  This coo coo 24 year old, got me hook, line, and sinker.  She got me involved in Young Life.  I'm going to camp, y'all!
Yesterday, as I sat down with Jon, the super nice guy who runs the YL ministry here in Indianapolis and watched w/ a smile as my kids straight up destroyed his office and threw about four tantrums with in five minutes, got me started with "all I need to know for camp."  Although I had to cut our meeting short, for fear that I was going to have a moment with my kids in this nice man's office, I am on my way.
I'm getting older, that is no lie, but I still love the insane teenagers who roam the halls of my school and deliberately choose to make bad choices at their desks (I like to blame it on the 'ol non developed frontal lobe).  I love their messy journey, specifically at this crazy time of their lives.  Now, I'm going to live and breathe it for a week at camp this summer while getting to know them and see how I can serve them through this often intense time of their lives.
I'm asking for prayer from y'all as I gear up for camp on a few levels:

• Please pray for Alex and Jesse.  I've never been away from Jesse for this long (let alone a night in itself).  Please pray for comfort and security for them while mama is away.
• Please pray for Steve.  He's amazing in itself.  I love how he supports all the things I want to do.  I couldn't do anything without him.
• Pray for me; that the Holy Spirit prepares me, fills me for what these kiddos need to hear from Him and gives me the opportunity to bond and build a spirit filled relationship with them!
• Pray especially for the teenagers I'm going to be spending time with.  Pray for their journey with Christ!

Thanks for thinking of me.  I'm excited for this adventure.  I'm excited to serve and be used by God and to have these kiddos be a part of my life too.  Camp is at the end of July, so keep the kiddos and I in mind and heart.  Much love to my homies. 

Love, Kathy  

Summer Sanity?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you start crying for no apparent reason?  You just find yourself on the brink of tears, not for any good or bad reason...it's just there.  I tend to rationalize it with the 'ol I'm a woman, this is a part of who I am, blah blah blah blah.  But in all honesty, there's something deeper than a monthly moment coming on or a wave of depression, which is a reality for many, me especially.

Yesterday, while setting up the registration table at our church and getting ready for the kiddos to come in, I was overwhelmed with a sense of crying.  I looked at Steve and said, while attempting to hold it all together, that I was "having a moment," and I had no idea why.  My neighbor, who sensed something going on, came over and had a check in moment:  are you ok?  Yes, but I'm having a moment for no apparent reason.  I know I sound like a crazy woman.  

When I really think about it, I know there's more going on that just having a moment.  I feel an overwhelming movement/shift going on in my life.  Actually, I think it's been going on for awhile, but I'm overcome at times with the tectonic plate-like movements in my soul when these occur.  It comes like an earthquake, down to my core, out of nowhere.  

There have been many questions, wonderings that I've been wrestling with lately.  There's much that I'm talking to God about, sometimes more than I can verbalize in a sitting.  I've been reflecting on the moment six years ago when I looked at Steve and said that I wanted to grow our family through adoption, and then I start thinking about all of the moments that led up to that one.  It is as clear as day that Jesse, like Alex, was divinely given to us by God as the plan from day 1.  

A year ago, when we were in Ethiopia for those two trips, I felt an amazing sense of joy, laughter, community, love, patience, etc. in the juxtaposition of this developing country, and knew that our journey in Ethiopia was not over.  We were not only forming a beautiful relationship with our son but also with this country, this culture and its people.  I wanted more, but perhaps the better way to put it is I wanted different.  

Since then, the earthquake-like movements from the belly of my soul have been palpable.  It's beautiful, it's scary, it's hard.  I don't know where, when, how.  I am dedicated to prayer right now, asking God to lead me to each door.  I'm willing to walk through wherever He wants to lead me.  I'm opening myself up to ALL the possibilities that He wants to do with our family.  It's scary and exciting to really know that God can do anything to use us to bring glory to Him.  The walls have been knocked down.  We are in the adventure.

What it comes down to is that I think we all have this idea of how our lives will play out.  I'm not sure we have it right, or at least I don't think that I do.  I'm wrapping my mind around all of this, and I think that's where all of the emotion is coming from.  The uncomfortableness of my human-ness to be moved in such a way.  I'm asking that you join me in prayer for all of this.  Maybe you've been through a season like this, maybe you can give me some wisdom and insight!

Meanwhile, thanks for hearing my crazy truth and don't be surprised if you find me awkwardly "veclempt" at times.  Much love!