Yesterday, while setting up the registration table at our church and getting ready for the kiddos to come in, I was overwhelmed with a sense of crying. I looked at Steve and said, while attempting to hold it all together, that I was "having a moment," and I had no idea why. My neighbor, who sensed something going on, came over and had a check in moment: are you ok? Yes, but I'm having a moment for no apparent reason. I know I sound like a crazy woman.
When I really think about it, I know there's more going on that just having a moment. I feel an overwhelming movement/shift going on in my life. Actually, I think it's been going on for awhile, but I'm overcome at times with the tectonic plate-like movements in my soul when these occur. It comes like an earthquake, down to my core, out of nowhere.
There have been many questions, wonderings that I've been wrestling with lately. There's much that I'm talking to God about, sometimes more than I can verbalize in a sitting. I've been reflecting on the moment six years ago when I looked at Steve and said that I wanted to grow our family through adoption, and then I start thinking about all of the moments that led up to that one. It is as clear as day that Jesse, like Alex, was divinely given to us by God as the plan from day 1.
A year ago, when we were in Ethiopia for those two trips, I felt an amazing sense of joy, laughter, community, love, patience, etc. in the juxtaposition of this developing country, and knew that our journey in Ethiopia was not over. We were not only forming a beautiful relationship with our son but also with this country, this culture and its people. I wanted more, but perhaps the better way to put it is I wanted different.
Since then, the earthquake-like movements from the belly of my soul have been palpable. It's beautiful, it's scary, it's hard. I don't know where, when, how. I am dedicated to prayer right now, asking God to lead me to each door. I'm willing to walk through wherever He wants to lead me. I'm opening myself up to ALL the possibilities that He wants to do with our family. It's scary and exciting to really know that God can do anything to use us to bring glory to Him. The walls have been knocked down. We are in the adventure.
What it comes down to is that I think we all have this idea of how our lives will play out. I'm not sure we have it right, or at least I don't think that I do. I'm wrapping my mind around all of this, and I think that's where all of the emotion is coming from. The uncomfortableness of my human-ness to be moved in such a way. I'm asking that you join me in prayer for all of this. Maybe you've been through a season like this, maybe you can give me some wisdom and insight!
Meanwhile, thanks for hearing my crazy truth and don't be surprised if you find me awkwardly "veclempt" at times. Much love!