It's that time of year again. There's a few short weeks left of school, and I'm a bit tired. I've had meetings galore, and we're moving buildings on top of that. So, on top of end of the year wrap up, I'm packing up a classroom, helping to get a student council together, and giving all I've got to be a good mom and wife. Unfortunately, I often feel the guilt that I'm not doing something well enough, which is totally Satan trying to drag a sister down.
With all of this in mind, I've been on this intense prayer vigil, especially after reading The Circle Maker. Steve and I are still bouncing back financially after the past few years (which I would do twenty times over with no regrets) and seriously praying about another adoption after we recover. Then, the opportunity came up to do the Beth Moore study on the book of James, which I couldn't ignore. I may have overloaded my plate, but as I told a colleague the other day: I'm seriously relying on God right now to help me with what I cannot handle. We all have moments like these.
So, today was one of those days where the button to my jeans broke in the wash, I didn't have another pair to put on, it was already 6 am, I had a meeting before school started, and a dishwasher to unload with other various and sundry chores to get done in 30 minutes; we've all been there... Needless to say, I was a bit worn out.
One of my favorite parts of my day is picking up Jesse in the afternoons. He's just smiles from ear to ear when I walk in the door; oh love! Alex usually debriefs me on her capers at school and then when she gets home, we negotiate dinner time, homework, trying to get some outdoors time (if there aren't any activities planned for the night), and then we're off to bed. Monday through Friday is a whirlwind, as all moms know.
Tonight, a neighbor pal was having a jean party at her home, and a few of my other amigos met me at my place to walk over and check it out. By 7pm, Jesse was rubbing his eyes with one shoe on and blueberry stains spotted all over his shirt, and Alex pulled out her math sheet from her seat work that obviously needed some extra help. You know the scene, I'm sure. My friends rang the doorbell, the two dogs barked at the door, and I, in my utter selfishness, was more than happy to flee the scene and escape bath time for a night.
I took my no-button jeans a few doors down and found myself in negative Nelly mode. I was happy to complain about my preteen daughter and my over eagerness of nap time this summer. I brought my sorry butt home to find that Alex still had not looked over her math, and Steve spent an extra half hour up with Jesse; they weren't even out of the tub yet when normally I'd have him tucked him by this time. I'm sure you know the deal.
I went upstairs to find my cutie practically jumping out of the tub to hug me when he spotted me; how does one resist that? And as I was giving him his milk before bed, he took his right arm, which I usually have cradled against his body as I give him his milk, and maneuvered it to hang around my neck as if to get a little closer and say, "I'm so glad you're tucking me in, mommy." I melted.
To top it all off, Alex goes upstairs to bed, and I accidentally walked in on the Mother's Day project she started three days ago; it stopped me cold in my tracks. There it was, hand painted on a big piece of paper, all my favorite things: a New York City skyline combined with pictures of Africa. I almost died. She knows me better than I know myself. (Don't tell her I saw her surprise; she'll die!)
This double dose of humility knocks me on my butt every time. Isn't motherhood like that? We give all we got, get worn down, get a little self pity going, and BOOM: you are totally brought tears in utter thankfulness and repentance for your bad attitude.
I'm so thankful for my two babies, and I'm so thankful that they are so forgiving of me. I know that this is the kind of grace that only my Jesus could provide because I don't deserve it.
Thank You for this family. Thank You for friends who hear me rant and don't judge my crazy butt, for they know my heart and know that You are there, working on me every day! Thank You for the moments of utter mercy and reminding me that You are so present. Thank You for my sweet children who teach me, humble me, and show me Your love, even when I don't recognize it right away. Be with all of us mamas. We try so hard; our hearts are in the right place, but we mess up sometimes. We need You, Father. Thank You for my husband who comes home as tired as I am, looks at my jacked up pony tail, faded make up face, microwave dinner, and tells me how beautiful I am and how good dinner smells. Oh, You are so good, Lord. You are so good.
In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.
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