emotional pain or distress; sorrow; grief; anguish.
It is sometimes hard to explain, but since returning home from our two trips to Ethiopia, I've been experiencing something that can only be described as heartache. I look around me as I sit in my warm home, my (although not pretty) working minivan, my closet of clothes, etc., and I'm no longer comfortable. All the things that are supposed to make my life comfortable no longer do; such irony.
I think some people thought, "Well, she has her sweet boy home. Hopefully this is all out of her system now."
I hate to say it, but it has been quite the opposite these past eight months.
I have been vigilant of any and all mission trips I can take, organizations I can keep on my radar, and so on. I am awakened in the dead of the night with a heaviness on my soul. I walk through my days with undeniable awareness that I sometimes feel like an alien in my normal life. God has awakened so much in my heart.
I was listening to Chris Fabry's talk show on Moody Radio the other day when he was talking to Dr. Don Davis. Although Dr. Davis wasn't talking about Africa, he was describing the overwhelming feeling he has for the calling God has undeniably laid on he and his wife's hearts for serving in the urban areas of our country. They played clips from his sermon at Founder's Week, and I immediately felt the connection with his words yelled (summarized): Where is the passion, the fire that God laid on your heart? Deny your comforts and GO and DO what God has called you to do! This Christian life is not about keeping our things; it's about leaving it all to be obedient and do the crazy things God calls us to do. Surround yourself with people who feel that passion, who cannot deny this magnetic pull to the "insane" calls, who encourage you to be obedient and follow the longing on your heart.
I found myself in tears over this message.
Last night, after putting Jesse to bed and giving Ms. Alex her ten minute call to sleep, Steve asked if I wanted to watch tv; he loves his tv at night ;) I just looked at him and gave him an emphatic, "No, I don't want to watch tv." It probably was the look on my face or the tone in my voice, but he turned off the tv.
Last night, I just poured my heart out to my sweet husband. I am just so blessed to have this amazing man by my side. So, the skinny is that there's a lot in store for us. Not this summer, but next summer there will most likely be a mission trip going back to the place that started it all. And, after Jesse's adoption is paid off, there will most likely be another adoption. We'll see what happens.
The decision to not go to Africa this summer is because my sweet boy isn't ready for me to be away that long nor are my kiddos ready for that kind of trip. We have just gotten to a point where Jesse trusts me to leave him either at grandma's or Joy's house for a short amount of time (his amazing sitter and my friend ;)) and know that I'll be back. I'm afraid he'll lose his cookies if I'm gone for a week. My babies need their mama first. In the meantime, I'll be a prayer warrior and advocate for doing what I can for those in Africa. I have to find peace with that for now.
I'm asking for prayers as I move forward with whatever God calls me to do and with whatever God calls you to do. He has amazing things in store for our lives and the lives of others. It just may not be in the comforts of our environments. We may have to go beyond our borders or our towns, or even churches. I'm praying for courage for us all. Let's lay it all down at His feet.
Sending my love to you all.