Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Being Home

I have found my emotions a bit more raw than usual lately.  No, I don't think it's my monthly visitor or anything like that, but I've realized that being home has changed me a bit.
Working, I realized has given me a suit of armor, if you will.  It has not only been an amazing outlet for me, which I am ever grateful to have, but I also see that it has fed my ego in some ways.  I have worn the, "I'm a working mom" identity for so long that it's as if I wear the "t shirt" 24/7.  I've been aware of how the stripping of this layer, even if only for a short time, has made me more sensitive to what's really going on inside my heart.  Now don't get me wrong, I look forward to going back to my insane job, that only someone like me could love, in January. But I have a different appreciation and perspective of what this all means and what I often push down in order to keep all of this madness accomplished every day.
The reality is that it's easy for me to go to work.  It's what I know, it's what my momma raised me to do.  It's more difficult for me to be home and working as a stay at home mom.  I have the space to question more, think more about things going on around me.  I have had the time and energy to ask my husband how work was and not pray for a long drawn out narrative.  I've been looking at my daughter's homework more carefully and cooked some meals (sort of).  I've spent time on the floor with my son just banging blocks with him because he LOVES that.  I've found myself questioning whether I'm doing too much or too little.  The question still isn't answered.
It's a vulnerable place to be in, honestly.  You question if you're on the right track.  But I think what it comes down to is that God has right where you are, especially when it feels uncomfortable.  He's giving me a different perspective, and I can't help but be grateful for that.  He's giving me room to grow a bit, and even I know I need that!

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