Dearest Friends and Family,
I sincerely want to thank you so very much for all of your love and prayers.  There aren't enough words to express our heartbreak today.  Our baby boy went to be with Jesus.
Steve and I cannot think of why this happened.  I know that everyone who could have done something to help our little boy did all that they possibly could.  I am grateful that he was with loving people at Hannah's Hope, and I know that they are grieving too for him.
More than anything, I want to honor his little life and keep in my heart the memories of the joy and excitement he brought to us and so many people that we know.  I know God has a reason for all of this, although I don't know what it is right now.  I also know that God's plan is greater than our own, and I have to believe that.
Right now, I want to be grateful for the opportunity that I've had to celebrate him.  So many of you were a part of that and that joy was magnified in all of your prayers, love, and excitement.
It's obvious to me how fragile life is.  It's obvious to me that we can so easily take all of this for granted.  But although I want to say he was mine, he never was; he always belonged to God.  Now TJ is with Him, and he's dancing and singing.  One day, I will meet him and rejoice with him.
Thank You, Lord, for this chance of experiencing this, even it was only for a little while.  Thank You for his short life and the opportunity Steve, Alex, myself, and so many others had to love him here on Earth.  We know that You, God, are bigger than the right now; You are sovereign.  Thank You for surrounding us with such amazing people to comfort us and who have been praying for those near and far who touched his life here on Earth.  We are touched, deeply.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

I love him.

Yesterday was tough in our journey to bring home TJ.  We knew that getting a phone call like this was a possibility, but any mommy doesn't want to know that their baby is not feeling well.  Our little TJ had pneumonia this week and although he's doing much better, you can't help but feel helpless.  On top of that, we received updated pictures; TJ is experiencing eczema on his beautiful face which is causing discoloration on his cheeks.  I know they are taking amazing care of our little guy at Hannah's Hope, but I'm not there.  So, all Steve and I can do is pray.  I have never had to rely on God so much in all my life.
It brings me to tears to know that my beautiful boy is a world away, he's stuffed up and itchy, and here I am sitting "comfortably" in my home.  I can't tell you how much I want to hold him and do what I can to make him all better.
So, I'm getting on a plane in about ten days, but then the overwhelming feeling that I will not be able to bring him home then took hold.  I know God has a plan, and I know this is a part of it.  It's just not easy during moments like these.
The good news is that he's growing and gaining weight, and I am sincerely excited for that!
Please pray for our little boy.  We love him.  We want him to feel better.  I think that's all any mommy wants for their babies.

A November Morning

Enough
by Jeffrey Harrison

It's a gift, this cloudless November morning
warm enough for you to walk without a jacket
along your favorite path. The rhythmic shushing
of your feet through fallen leaves should be
enough to quiet the mind, so it surprises you
when you catch yourself telling off your boss
for a decade of accumulated injustices,
all the things you've never said circling inside you.

It's the rising wind that pulls you out of it,
and you look up to see a cloud of leaves
swirling in sunlight, flickering against the blue
and rising above the treetops, as if the whole day
were sighing, Let it go, let it go,
for this moment at least, let it all go.

No, I didn't take a brisk walk this morning other than the one with my pajamas on with the dog in tow three houses down to get her to go to the bathroom (Charlie, the best dog ever, has gotten into the habit of rolling in the most disgusting poo when we let her outside.  Needless to say, she's had three baths this week and can't be trusted off a leash right now.).  I received this poem via email the other day, and it spoke to me on many literal and figurative levels.

The Craig Family is totally overjoyed as we prepare to bring home our little boy.  Also, fall is my favorite season; the crispness in the air refreshes me, the juxtaposition of the colors in the sky and on the ground are astounding, and we just finished the great birthday month (Steve, Alex, and I all have birthdays in October.).  So much to celebrate!  

But amidst all the joy and celebration, there have been trials.  Not everything has been easy.  Especially for me, who has a very inherent sense of justice, it doesn't sit comfortably in my core to let things lie when I see things that are not ok.  I can remember incidents from when I was a child, screaming in my brother's ear to be heard, even though his hearing was just fine, to fight for my right when he was beating the tar out of me or whatever...  I guess I have a fighter's spirit.

The hard part is when the person you confront doesn't agree with your sense of right and wrong; they don't share your values or ethics.  This is something that God is definitely bringing me through right now.  This conundrum has been the topic of many of my prayers lately.  So, what do ya do?

Well, for now, I look at my crazy daughter who hates to brush her hair, my husband who thinks I'm the funniest person he knows, that sweet picture of our little boy, and our cuddly dogs and realize that somehow it's going to be ok.  I'm especially thankful that God put me in a Bible Study to help me through times just like this.  I know He has me right where He wants me and that I'm going to come through this closer to Him.  I find myself grateful for this situation; weird, huh?  I am truly relying more on Him than I have in a very long time.  God and I are having more and more intimate conversations about an area in my life that I have probably been compartmentalizing for a very long time; it's obvious to me more than ever that He wants all areas of my life.  I feel walls that I've put up come crumbling down.  I find myself vulnerable.

But that's where Jesus meets us best I think, at that place where we finally give up what we can do and ask for His help.

This is where we say that we've had "Enough" of seeing this through our own eyes and ask for His perspective, His way, His guidance.

This is where I am on this cold November morning, and I'm grateful.  Thank You, Lord once again.  Your ways amaze me over and over and over again.  

Sincere Gratitude

You hear about people being unexpectedly generous and how awesome that is, but until it happens to you personally, you have no idea what a gift from God it truly is.  Steve and I received an awesome email from our pastor at Harvest this week; someone in our church offered to pay for Steve's second trip to Ethiopia to bring home our son.
For the record, I want to state a few things:  1.  When we started the adoption process, the Ethiopia program was a one trip process, so we didn't anticipate two trips until this past spring when the process changed (for valid reasons, in my opinion.)  2.  We in no way were complaining about this second trip.  It wasn't what we expected, but our agency was very good at counseling us through this whole process that with international adoption, anything could change at the blink of an eye.  3.  When we heard the news about the second trip, we knew that our pennies were already being stretched and were fine just sending me to bring TJ home.  Steve, of course, was disappointed, but we knew that God had gotten us this far and He would bring us through the rest!
With that being said, we have just been praying for God to take us through each step of bringing home TJ, and He certainly has.  When TJ comes home, it will mark two complete years that we have been going through this process.  We have encountered our bumps in the road, if you will, and we're not done yet, but here we are!  Last week, we had a call with our contact at All God's Children, and she strongly advised us that we should both be traveling for the second trip as well for multiple reasons, as you can imagine.  We didn't complain or grumble, but we certainly stopped in our tracks and prayed for what God would have us do.  That's really all we did...we prayed to God to continue to guide us considering what our agency was telling us.
In the midst of this, Steve, Alex, and I began attending Harvest this summer.  Since Steve and I met over 12 years ago, we have always attended very large churches.  Although we've been quite spiritually fed at these big churches, we have not been relationally fed; it's easy just to come and go in big churches.  (And I do not mean to say anything negative about big churches in any way; we played a big role in slipping through the cracks as anyone.)  It's been evident in many ways that Harvest is where God wants us to be.  This church plant has truly helped us develop relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ, which is what we were praying for.  We just feel grateful to have that right now.  When people have asked us if we have children, we are thrilled to discuss our crazy and beautiful Alex and our precious TJ, who is not in our arms just yet.  Everyone has been so excited and supportive of our new addition to our family!  I know they have kept us in their prayers as well as being vigilant to pray for Alex as she is heading into this huge transition too!  It's been more than we could ever imagine.
But I have to tell you, when we received this news this week, I was speechless.  The outpouring of joy and support that we received before this email was beyond what we would ever expect from anyone, and then this.  I don't know specifically who offered this incredible gift to our family, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for giving Steve and I the opportunity to not only help one another a continent away as we prepare to bring him home in January, but also for giving us the joy of having this memory together as a couple bringing home our son.  We were prepared to adjust to anything, but this is such a huge gift and means SO much to us.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Steve and I were reflecting on this the other day, and just saying that we've never experienced something like this.  It is the evidence that God is with us, God is listening to us, and He truly cares about each and every one of us.  If you ever wonder about this, here is the evidence.  On the flip side, there have been times when I have prayed for things and God had a different plan.  But like the Rolling Stones have sung, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need."  God knows what we need to bring us to Him, and that's not always what we, in our humanness, think we need.  Whatever The Rolling Stones' religious affiliation is, or lack thereof, they have a point.
So, again, I thank the giver of this gift, but equally important, I praise You, O Lord, for working in our lives.  Thank You for giving us more than we could imagine.  Thank You for our church.  I pray that You bless this church, so more of Your blessings could overflow through it to those who need it, especially those who don't have a personal relationship with You yet.  Also, I pray that You let this person who offered this beautiful gift to us know how appreciative we are.  Thank You.  Amen.

PS.  After I wrote this blog, Pastor Vernon Rainwater from our old church (Northland) down in Florida wrote  about prayer this on facebook; check it out!

To TJ's mom

Dear TJ's mom,
I wanted you to know that you have been on my heart, especially since receiving his referral.  Steve and I are giddy with excitement and can't wait to hold him and be his parents.  We pray for him every day.
But I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that amidst our joy and anticipation, I know that you are out there mourning.  I can't imagine what your grief must be like, and I'm so sorry for the pain that you must be feeling.  I want you to know how much I appreciate you and all that you went through and are experiencing right now.
From the evidence that I have about you through TJ's lab work and the doctor's evaluation, you loved the lives that were inside you.  You took great care of yourself, probably knowing that you would be giving him away. 
The pieces of the story that I've heard breaks my heart for you in such a profound way.  You went to a hospital, you delivered twins and your baby girl passed in God's arms.  You left your deceased baby girl and your baby boy in that hospital, without a trace.  My assumption is that you prayed that by doing so, your little boy would have the opportunity to grow and learn and live without the threat of constant destitution. 
I know you are out there.  God knows that you are out there.  I want you to know that I think of you often.  I pray for you.  I want you to know that as we sit here an ocean and continent away, that we love your little boy so much.  We feel so blessed to have this opportunity to love him and guide him as his parents.  We are far from perfect and we don't have every material thing one could imagine, but we have huge hearts and a strong love for our Lord.  Steve and I know that we were meant to be TJ's mom and dad, but we do this knowing that a huge sacrifice was made for us to be able to have this blessing in our lives, your sacrifice.
Please know that you hold a special place in my heart, and I know that you have a strong place in TJ's heart too.  In our eyes, we will always hold you in the highest regard for your courage and unselfishness.  We know your little girl is with Jesus, and we hope that while TJ is on this earth, we will raise him with tons of love, laughter, and a strong faith in God.  We want him to know that although he may mourn the loss of you in his life, that God has a plan for him, just as He does for all of us.  This pain is a part of who he is and who he will become; we just feel blessed to play this role in the story.
Thank you.  We love you.  I pray that God gives you a peace as you walk your days here on earth like the rest of us, that your little boy is loved and cherished so very much. 
With love,
Kathy

Tunnel Vision

I measure every Grief I meet (561)
by Emily Dickinson

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes –
I wonder if It weighs like Mine –
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long –
Or did it just begin –
I could not tell the Date of Mine –
It feels so old a pain –

I wonder if it hurts to live –
And if They have to try –
And whether – could They choose between –
It would not be – to die –

I note that Some – gone patient long –
At length, renew their smile –
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil –

I wonder if when Years have piled –
Some Thousands – on the Harm –
That hurt them Early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm –

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve –
Enlightened to a larger Pain –
In Contrast with the Love –

The Grieved – are many – I am told –
There is the various Cause –
Death – is but one – and comes but once –
And only nails the Eyes –

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –
A sort they call "Despair" –
There's Banishment from native Eyes –
In sight of Native Air –

And though I may not guess the kind –
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary –

To note the fashions – of the Cross –
And how they're mostly worn –
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like my own – 


I often examine other's grief and wonder with my very own "probing eyes" what is the cause of their grief.  As I experience my own "grief" from time to time, I also see it "in contrast to the Love."  (PS. I love that she capitalizes "Love" in this poem).  The grief comes sometime in the letting go of things that I may have thought were important at one time, to have the realization that it meant nothing. I find the worldliness being cut from my life almost daily to force me to have tunnel vision on what is truly important:  my God.  Things that at one time I felt to be important are not; it simply becomes nonsense.  
As I may experience "banishment from native eyes, in sight of native air," I realize that my grief, again, comes from letting go of what others think and focus once again on truth, on Him.  Nothing else matters.  I am not here to please but to be purposeful in glorifying Him.  I've learned that sometimes this means extending grace even when I don't want to and simply moving on.  I often think that the grief comes in the transition of experiencing a wound and then it scarring over; it takes time for it to heal, reconcile, and feel the benefits of lessons learned when looking at that mark left behind.  I'm there, in the transition.
You and I may not agree on the prize, we may not even value the same prize, but my prize will not award me here on this earth.  My treasure is with Him, and I, like you, are going to have to work out this earthly presence.  Healing will come through nights like these; praying, pondering, reading, writing.   Healing will also come in the joys; teaching, laughing, growing, changing.
Again, the grief "in contrast to the Love," is little in God's great light. More than anything, I want to be able to stand in God's light and be able to magnify it more and more and more as each day passes.  This process is challenging and difficult, wherein lies the grief at times, but necessary, especially if your eye is on the same prize that my eyes are on.  So, I have to be thankful in times like this for the opportunity to experience what I've experienced and allow the wound to heal.  Just like Jesus' piercings, those wounds are what it's all about.  Without His wounds, ours would be meaningless.    

some thoughts

Our old neighbors down in Florida lost their beautiful 5 year old little girl yesterday afternoon.  A few weeks ago, I mentioned that our friends, Josh and Lisa, were going through a parent's worst nightmare:  their little girl, Ava, had a brain tumor that would maybe give them a year with her...she made it to 10 weeks.  I remember living in our house in Forest Edge, and Ava being born.  I remember being so excited for Josh and Lisa; they had a wonderful son, Noah, and now they were having a little girl.  I'm sure many of you do not know the Hunter family, but I encourage you to check out Josh's blog; he has documented this journey with Ava, and even left a post since her passing that brings so much to the forefront.
It reminds me that this life is not ours.  It is not about us.  It's about Him.  I believe that even in the midst of this tragedy, God is in control, He is being glorified in this moment.  Our children change us, even if they are with us for a brief amount of time.  They make a mark that makes us feel more deeply, care in a way that we never knew that we could, and get serious about the important stuff that we may have been putting off.
I remember when I discovered that I was pregnant with Alex.  I had this release of all this "stuff" that was weighing me down.  All of a sudden, it was clear what my priorities were more than ever and that nothing else mattered.  The past was no longer a heaviness in my heart; it was now transformed into this force to make me a better person for my baby and my husband.
Living my life as Alex's mom and Steve's wife has taught me how to be there, no matter what.  It has taught me to lighten up in some areas and get serious about others.  It's given me the opportunity to see what is truth, real truth, and to clear away nonsense and noise that so often can fill our lives if we aren't vigilant about it.  I can't imagine the person that I would be without them.  And now, we have TJ coming home soon, and still, I can't fathom how his beautiful life is going to change us.  Even now, I still feel like I haven't touched the ice burg on learning and growing to be a better servant for God.  Josh definitely talks about how Ava's life has done this for him, and I'm sure his words are much more significant than mine.
Steve and I are thankful for friends, family, and even those who may not like us so much.  I believe that God puts everyone in your life for a reason, and I refuse to believe that it's not for anything but to bring us closer to Him.  Yesterday, I spent the morning reading Romans 1 & 2 and just praying about some challenges that I've been facing, personally.  I went to Romans because Alex's memory verse last week was this:  "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  (Romans 3:23)  That means you, me, your pastor, everybody.  My only question is, what are you doing as a result of that?  Are you continuing to just let hell go in a hand basket or are you making steps to rectify, to turn away from what you've done, and change into a person who is a vessel of blessing.  I realize that I will never stop messing up while I'm here on this earth, and therefore never stop rectifying, turning away from wrong doing, and ultimately never stop trying to be a better vessel of blessing.  I feel a responsibility to take that journey, to run that course until my last breath, and my daughter is huge part of my motivation.
I can't imagine what it would be like to lose her.  And now, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the hope that TJ will be coming home and be in our lives, just like our crazy Alex!
I'm still working out how to be the best mom for Alex.  Especially right now, Steve and I are focused on learning more tools to be the best parents for Alex.  I believe we're going above and beyond to accomplish as much as one can in this moment before TJ is here.  This is our time to prepare her, to build her up, to correct as much as we can to help her grow and face future challenges.  Again, I can't imagine not having the opportunity to do this.
Please pray for the Hunter family.  Give everyone a hug in your house and ask yourself what it would be like if they weren't there.  Finally, be a blessing for them.