A November Morning

Enough
by Jeffrey Harrison

It's a gift, this cloudless November morning
warm enough for you to walk without a jacket
along your favorite path. The rhythmic shushing
of your feet through fallen leaves should be
enough to quiet the mind, so it surprises you
when you catch yourself telling off your boss
for a decade of accumulated injustices,
all the things you've never said circling inside you.

It's the rising wind that pulls you out of it,
and you look up to see a cloud of leaves
swirling in sunlight, flickering against the blue
and rising above the treetops, as if the whole day
were sighing, Let it go, let it go,
for this moment at least, let it all go.

No, I didn't take a brisk walk this morning other than the one with my pajamas on with the dog in tow three houses down to get her to go to the bathroom (Charlie, the best dog ever, has gotten into the habit of rolling in the most disgusting poo when we let her outside.  Needless to say, she's had three baths this week and can't be trusted off a leash right now.).  I received this poem via email the other day, and it spoke to me on many literal and figurative levels.

The Craig Family is totally overjoyed as we prepare to bring home our little boy.  Also, fall is my favorite season; the crispness in the air refreshes me, the juxtaposition of the colors in the sky and on the ground are astounding, and we just finished the great birthday month (Steve, Alex, and I all have birthdays in October.).  So much to celebrate!  

But amidst all the joy and celebration, there have been trials.  Not everything has been easy.  Especially for me, who has a very inherent sense of justice, it doesn't sit comfortably in my core to let things lie when I see things that are not ok.  I can remember incidents from when I was a child, screaming in my brother's ear to be heard, even though his hearing was just fine, to fight for my right when he was beating the tar out of me or whatever...  I guess I have a fighter's spirit.

The hard part is when the person you confront doesn't agree with your sense of right and wrong; they don't share your values or ethics.  This is something that God is definitely bringing me through right now.  This conundrum has been the topic of many of my prayers lately.  So, what do ya do?

Well, for now, I look at my crazy daughter who hates to brush her hair, my husband who thinks I'm the funniest person he knows, that sweet picture of our little boy, and our cuddly dogs and realize that somehow it's going to be ok.  I'm especially thankful that God put me in a Bible Study to help me through times just like this.  I know He has me right where He wants me and that I'm going to come through this closer to Him.  I find myself grateful for this situation; weird, huh?  I am truly relying more on Him than I have in a very long time.  God and I are having more and more intimate conversations about an area in my life that I have probably been compartmentalizing for a very long time; it's obvious to me more than ever that He wants all areas of my life.  I feel walls that I've put up come crumbling down.  I find myself vulnerable.

But that's where Jesus meets us best I think, at that place where we finally give up what we can do and ask for His help.

This is where we say that we've had "Enough" of seeing this through our own eyes and ask for His perspective, His way, His guidance.

This is where I am on this cold November morning, and I'm grateful.  Thank You, Lord once again.  Your ways amaze me over and over and over again.  

Sincere Gratitude

You hear about people being unexpectedly generous and how awesome that is, but until it happens to you personally, you have no idea what a gift from God it truly is.  Steve and I received an awesome email from our pastor at Harvest this week; someone in our church offered to pay for Steve's second trip to Ethiopia to bring home our son.
For the record, I want to state a few things:  1.  When we started the adoption process, the Ethiopia program was a one trip process, so we didn't anticipate two trips until this past spring when the process changed (for valid reasons, in my opinion.)  2.  We in no way were complaining about this second trip.  It wasn't what we expected, but our agency was very good at counseling us through this whole process that with international adoption, anything could change at the blink of an eye.  3.  When we heard the news about the second trip, we knew that our pennies were already being stretched and were fine just sending me to bring TJ home.  Steve, of course, was disappointed, but we knew that God had gotten us this far and He would bring us through the rest!
With that being said, we have just been praying for God to take us through each step of bringing home TJ, and He certainly has.  When TJ comes home, it will mark two complete years that we have been going through this process.  We have encountered our bumps in the road, if you will, and we're not done yet, but here we are!  Last week, we had a call with our contact at All God's Children, and she strongly advised us that we should both be traveling for the second trip as well for multiple reasons, as you can imagine.  We didn't complain or grumble, but we certainly stopped in our tracks and prayed for what God would have us do.  That's really all we did...we prayed to God to continue to guide us considering what our agency was telling us.
In the midst of this, Steve, Alex, and I began attending Harvest this summer.  Since Steve and I met over 12 years ago, we have always attended very large churches.  Although we've been quite spiritually fed at these big churches, we have not been relationally fed; it's easy just to come and go in big churches.  (And I do not mean to say anything negative about big churches in any way; we played a big role in slipping through the cracks as anyone.)  It's been evident in many ways that Harvest is where God wants us to be.  This church plant has truly helped us develop relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ, which is what we were praying for.  We just feel grateful to have that right now.  When people have asked us if we have children, we are thrilled to discuss our crazy and beautiful Alex and our precious TJ, who is not in our arms just yet.  Everyone has been so excited and supportive of our new addition to our family!  I know they have kept us in their prayers as well as being vigilant to pray for Alex as she is heading into this huge transition too!  It's been more than we could ever imagine.
But I have to tell you, when we received this news this week, I was speechless.  The outpouring of joy and support that we received before this email was beyond what we would ever expect from anyone, and then this.  I don't know specifically who offered this incredible gift to our family, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for giving Steve and I the opportunity to not only help one another a continent away as we prepare to bring him home in January, but also for giving us the joy of having this memory together as a couple bringing home our son.  We were prepared to adjust to anything, but this is such a huge gift and means SO much to us.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Steve and I were reflecting on this the other day, and just saying that we've never experienced something like this.  It is the evidence that God is with us, God is listening to us, and He truly cares about each and every one of us.  If you ever wonder about this, here is the evidence.  On the flip side, there have been times when I have prayed for things and God had a different plan.  But like the Rolling Stones have sung, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need."  God knows what we need to bring us to Him, and that's not always what we, in our humanness, think we need.  Whatever The Rolling Stones' religious affiliation is, or lack thereof, they have a point.
So, again, I thank the giver of this gift, but equally important, I praise You, O Lord, for working in our lives.  Thank You for giving us more than we could imagine.  Thank You for our church.  I pray that You bless this church, so more of Your blessings could overflow through it to those who need it, especially those who don't have a personal relationship with You yet.  Also, I pray that You let this person who offered this beautiful gift to us know how appreciative we are.  Thank You.  Amen.

PS.  After I wrote this blog, Pastor Vernon Rainwater from our old church (Northland) down in Florida wrote  about prayer this on facebook; check it out!

To TJ's mom

Dear TJ's mom,
I wanted you to know that you have been on my heart, especially since receiving his referral.  Steve and I are giddy with excitement and can't wait to hold him and be his parents.  We pray for him every day.
But I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that amidst our joy and anticipation, I know that you are out there mourning.  I can't imagine what your grief must be like, and I'm so sorry for the pain that you must be feeling.  I want you to know how much I appreciate you and all that you went through and are experiencing right now.
From the evidence that I have about you through TJ's lab work and the doctor's evaluation, you loved the lives that were inside you.  You took great care of yourself, probably knowing that you would be giving him away. 
The pieces of the story that I've heard breaks my heart for you in such a profound way.  You went to a hospital, you delivered twins and your baby girl passed in God's arms.  You left your deceased baby girl and your baby boy in that hospital, without a trace.  My assumption is that you prayed that by doing so, your little boy would have the opportunity to grow and learn and live without the threat of constant destitution. 
I know you are out there.  God knows that you are out there.  I want you to know that I think of you often.  I pray for you.  I want you to know that as we sit here an ocean and continent away, that we love your little boy so much.  We feel so blessed to have this opportunity to love him and guide him as his parents.  We are far from perfect and we don't have every material thing one could imagine, but we have huge hearts and a strong love for our Lord.  Steve and I know that we were meant to be TJ's mom and dad, but we do this knowing that a huge sacrifice was made for us to be able to have this blessing in our lives, your sacrifice.
Please know that you hold a special place in my heart, and I know that you have a strong place in TJ's heart too.  In our eyes, we will always hold you in the highest regard for your courage and unselfishness.  We know your little girl is with Jesus, and we hope that while TJ is on this earth, we will raise him with tons of love, laughter, and a strong faith in God.  We want him to know that although he may mourn the loss of you in his life, that God has a plan for him, just as He does for all of us.  This pain is a part of who he is and who he will become; we just feel blessed to play this role in the story.
Thank you.  We love you.  I pray that God gives you a peace as you walk your days here on earth like the rest of us, that your little boy is loved and cherished so very much. 
With love,
Kathy

Tunnel Vision

I measure every Grief I meet (561)
by Emily Dickinson

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes –
I wonder if It weighs like Mine –
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long –
Or did it just begin –
I could not tell the Date of Mine –
It feels so old a pain –

I wonder if it hurts to live –
And if They have to try –
And whether – could They choose between –
It would not be – to die –

I note that Some – gone patient long –
At length, renew their smile –
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil –

I wonder if when Years have piled –
Some Thousands – on the Harm –
That hurt them Early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm –

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve –
Enlightened to a larger Pain –
In Contrast with the Love –

The Grieved – are many – I am told –
There is the various Cause –
Death – is but one – and comes but once –
And only nails the Eyes –

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –
A sort they call "Despair" –
There's Banishment from native Eyes –
In sight of Native Air –

And though I may not guess the kind –
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary –

To note the fashions – of the Cross –
And how they're mostly worn –
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like my own – 


I often examine other's grief and wonder with my very own "probing eyes" what is the cause of their grief.  As I experience my own "grief" from time to time, I also see it "in contrast to the Love."  (PS. I love that she capitalizes "Love" in this poem).  The grief comes sometime in the letting go of things that I may have thought were important at one time, to have the realization that it meant nothing. I find the worldliness being cut from my life almost daily to force me to have tunnel vision on what is truly important:  my God.  Things that at one time I felt to be important are not; it simply becomes nonsense.  
As I may experience "banishment from native eyes, in sight of native air," I realize that my grief, again, comes from letting go of what others think and focus once again on truth, on Him.  Nothing else matters.  I am not here to please but to be purposeful in glorifying Him.  I've learned that sometimes this means extending grace even when I don't want to and simply moving on.  I often think that the grief comes in the transition of experiencing a wound and then it scarring over; it takes time for it to heal, reconcile, and feel the benefits of lessons learned when looking at that mark left behind.  I'm there, in the transition.
You and I may not agree on the prize, we may not even value the same prize, but my prize will not award me here on this earth.  My treasure is with Him, and I, like you, are going to have to work out this earthly presence.  Healing will come through nights like these; praying, pondering, reading, writing.   Healing will also come in the joys; teaching, laughing, growing, changing.
Again, the grief "in contrast to the Love," is little in God's great light. More than anything, I want to be able to stand in God's light and be able to magnify it more and more and more as each day passes.  This process is challenging and difficult, wherein lies the grief at times, but necessary, especially if your eye is on the same prize that my eyes are on.  So, I have to be thankful in times like this for the opportunity to experience what I've experienced and allow the wound to heal.  Just like Jesus' piercings, those wounds are what it's all about.  Without His wounds, ours would be meaningless.    

some thoughts

Our old neighbors down in Florida lost their beautiful 5 year old little girl yesterday afternoon.  A few weeks ago, I mentioned that our friends, Josh and Lisa, were going through a parent's worst nightmare:  their little girl, Ava, had a brain tumor that would maybe give them a year with her...she made it to 10 weeks.  I remember living in our house in Forest Edge, and Ava being born.  I remember being so excited for Josh and Lisa; they had a wonderful son, Noah, and now they were having a little girl.  I'm sure many of you do not know the Hunter family, but I encourage you to check out Josh's blog; he has documented this journey with Ava, and even left a post since her passing that brings so much to the forefront.
It reminds me that this life is not ours.  It is not about us.  It's about Him.  I believe that even in the midst of this tragedy, God is in control, He is being glorified in this moment.  Our children change us, even if they are with us for a brief amount of time.  They make a mark that makes us feel more deeply, care in a way that we never knew that we could, and get serious about the important stuff that we may have been putting off.
I remember when I discovered that I was pregnant with Alex.  I had this release of all this "stuff" that was weighing me down.  All of a sudden, it was clear what my priorities were more than ever and that nothing else mattered.  The past was no longer a heaviness in my heart; it was now transformed into this force to make me a better person for my baby and my husband.
Living my life as Alex's mom and Steve's wife has taught me how to be there, no matter what.  It has taught me to lighten up in some areas and get serious about others.  It's given me the opportunity to see what is truth, real truth, and to clear away nonsense and noise that so often can fill our lives if we aren't vigilant about it.  I can't imagine the person that I would be without them.  And now, we have TJ coming home soon, and still, I can't fathom how his beautiful life is going to change us.  Even now, I still feel like I haven't touched the ice burg on learning and growing to be a better servant for God.  Josh definitely talks about how Ava's life has done this for him, and I'm sure his words are much more significant than mine.
Steve and I are thankful for friends, family, and even those who may not like us so much.  I believe that God puts everyone in your life for a reason, and I refuse to believe that it's not for anything but to bring us closer to Him.  Yesterday, I spent the morning reading Romans 1 & 2 and just praying about some challenges that I've been facing, personally.  I went to Romans because Alex's memory verse last week was this:  "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  (Romans 3:23)  That means you, me, your pastor, everybody.  My only question is, what are you doing as a result of that?  Are you continuing to just let hell go in a hand basket or are you making steps to rectify, to turn away from what you've done, and change into a person who is a vessel of blessing.  I realize that I will never stop messing up while I'm here on this earth, and therefore never stop rectifying, turning away from wrong doing, and ultimately never stop trying to be a better vessel of blessing.  I feel a responsibility to take that journey, to run that course until my last breath, and my daughter is huge part of my motivation.
I can't imagine what it would be like to lose her.  And now, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the hope that TJ will be coming home and be in our lives, just like our crazy Alex!
I'm still working out how to be the best mom for Alex.  Especially right now, Steve and I are focused on learning more tools to be the best parents for Alex.  I believe we're going above and beyond to accomplish as much as one can in this moment before TJ is here.  This is our time to prepare her, to build her up, to correct as much as we can to help her grow and face future challenges.  Again, I can't imagine not having the opportunity to do this.
Please pray for the Hunter family.  Give everyone a hug in your house and ask yourself what it would be like if they weren't there.  Finally, be a blessing for them.

You Can't Legislate Christianity

" Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. "  -Romans 12: 2-4
 I love when I have the opportunity to get in the car with enough time to listen to Chris Fabry on WGNR in the afternoons.  He comes on from 3-4 pm, and I'm always intrigued by his relevant topics in the Christian point of view.  You can subscribe to his podcast; you might really like it!
    Anyway, I caught the tail end of the show as I left school to pick up Alex at the bus stop, and Chris Fabry was talking about how you can't legislate Christianity.  I couldn't agree more.
    I am personally not a fan of Christians who get on their soapbox about certain controversial legislative topics.  I don't want to sound like I don't support the Christian point of view on these topics because as a Christian, I support what Jesus says in the Bible about these issues, not a politician.  I get a little frustrated when people make these issues about politics because in my eyes, they aren't.  I know that there are many people who don't agree with the Bible and are very against the Jesus' message on particular areas, and I respect how you feel, I just may not agree with you, and I mean that with love!
    Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love people, all kinds of people.  I grew up in a very diverse setting and my track record shows that I'm usually drawn to people who are the exact opposite of who I appear to be.  With this perspective, I have so many kinds of friends, and they are beautiful, wonderful people and most of them don't share my faith.  I am humble enough to know that I have no idea how it feels to walk in every one's shoes; I only know what it's like to walk in my own and to express what I've learned as a result of that experience.
    What I have learned is this:  I only began to touch the tip of the ice burg of how to love when I gave my heart over to Christ.  I bought the contemporary ideal which is often advertised in the media and our culture that I was supposed to engage in certain behaviors, which in my opinion are glorified.  On top of that, the media rarely shows neither the consequences nor the pain that those behaviors can cause in one's overall life.  So, like me, I "drank the kool aid" and found myself in my late teens through the age of 22 very depressed and saddened by all of this.  Unfortunately, I didn't think there was any other way and felt trapped and disillusioned by what my culture was feeding me; I thought this was it and this was how my life was going to be for the rest of my life.  As a result, I continued with destructive behavior and found myself more depressed by its results.
    I am thankful that God gave me the courage to be on my own and dive into a new adventure when I was offered my teaching job down in Florida when I was 22.  It was then that I could take seriously the call that was speaking to my heart: I needed to etch my own, new identity, and all I knew at the time that the main part of this step was going to church and praying.  It was total blind faith, but I felt so comforted and affirmed as I walked closer and closer to Christ.  It took me a few months to solidify my relationship with Christ where I could verbalize exactly what I was doing; it wasn't an instantaneous thing, but I knew that I needed and wanted Jesus in my heart, and I didn't look back.  He had taken away the guilt and the condemnation and allowed me to be new in Him.  It was the most beautiful dance, a courtship, if you will.

The Ya Yas at Diamond Lake:  August 2010

Steve and I arriving at Bald Head Island, NC

    Here's the deal:  it wasn't legislated to me that I had to live a particular way and make those choices for my life.  It was because of the love of Christ that He brought me to Him and brought angels to me to support me in my walk, especially my husband and my Ya Yas.  It was because I learned what real love is; I learned that it's not exactly getting what I want, especially in the moment.  I learned that sometimes you have to wait for the best things in life.  I believe that that's how God works, and that's how God reaches people.  It's not about someone attempting to overpower someone like a megaphone in one's ear.

It's an endless conversation, but like I said, I don't want anyone to be legislated to behave and feel a certain way; it's a matter of the heart.  As far as I'm concerned, my heart belongs to Him; it's His!  I think it's a valid question that I think everyone should ask themselves:  Who does your heart belong to and is this person worthy of it?  Only you can answer that for yourself.
With Love,
Kathy

Livin' the Vida Loca

Alex's snaggle tooth

Too many topics to cover...
I started school off this week, and it's been awesome.  My kiddos are sweet and funny.  I have artists and musicians, skateboarders and football players...  So awesome!  As usual, my colleagues and I on the second floor of HSJH had too much fun.  We simply love kids and love to be at work.  It's a great combination!
The Craig family has had a new visitor for the past two weeks.  My sister in law's dog, Marley, is staying with us for a few weeks (Suzy, he's yours again in two weeks!!!)  He's seriously the sweetest dog, but he's large.  I've frustratingly come home to missiles and smeared missiles in the house three times this week, and I'm not down with that.  After cleaning up doo doo and other sundry doggy chemicals for an hour when coming home from work, I left Steve a nasty message with an ultimatum:  me or the dog by the weekend.  Well, like I said, Marley is a sweetheart.  He loves Alex sooo much.  He sleeps with her every night and wants to follow her everywhere she goes.  On the other hand, when we come home in the afternoons, he's too wild for me.  I open the door and he barges out like a steam engine right into the middle of the street.  To walk him when we get home is like being pulled around like a rag doll.  My poor father in law came over in the middle of the day this week to get the dogs outside, and Marley knocked him on the ground.  That's not a good thing.  Those of you who know Charlie, my dog, she is literally the easiest dog ever; I'm spoiled with her.  I kind of like it that way...two more weeks.
My wonderful friends in the hood threw me a super sweet baby shower yesterday.  Kim, my neighbor, should be a party planner.  She had everything so beautiful!  Although I don't have a specific time when TJ will be home, opening presents for him and receiving stuff for his room really made it sink in.  We will have a beautiful baby boy soon.  Whoa.  My friend, Sarah, sent me a link to a blog of a family she knows who adopted from Ethiopia.  They just brought their beautiful little girl home, but I appreciated their blog so much because it was very honest about their trip home.  To say the least, it was challenging to travel with a new baby for 24 hours on a plane.  Because of finances, I plan on traveling alone when TJ comes home; we can't swing it financially for both of us for the second trip.  I begged Steve on Friday, after reading this blog, to please try to come up with a way that he can come with me!  This is my prayer request right now.
Alex starts second grade at Heritage Christian tomorrow.  Second grade!  Where did the time go?  She's ready with her new messenger bag (that's right; a messenger bag, because she doesn't like the backpack), and a lunch box.  For the past two years, I have been the "eat school lunch everyday" mom.  Because we have gotten more into organic food, I have decided to pack her lunch as much as possible.  We'll see how it goes!  I love her so much, and my goal for her this year is to inspire her to LOVE reading.  I'm going to work my magic and see how it goes!  She will also be starting the year off looking like Nanny McPhee.  Her front tooth is literally hanging out of her mouth because she REFUSES to pull it out.  It's the most awkward thing I've ever seen, but those of you who know her, know how stubborn she can be. She has been wrestled, offered money by various people, and pleaded with to get the tooth out.  Oh well.
Steve has been working at the state fair this week.  Habitat is building a home there and then transferring it this coming Friday to the site.  He has come home burnt from the sun and sweaty.  I know it must be rough out there, so here's a shout out to all the folks out there hammering away on that house!  They truly don't call it "sweat equity" for nothing!
On another note, have you seen Ramona and Beezus?  If you haven't, you should!  It made me cry.  As I was sitting there, I realized that Alex is very much like Ramona...good intentions, a little bit of a mess, big heart, and independent as can be.  It was humble, sweet, and NOT dumbed down.
So, we're off!  Off to another week of making it work!  

Alex and Marley eating breakfast